stop painting sex as liberation
sex is not a universal want or need
it is not the form of my liberation
THIS. FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!
Your favorite “asexual” book (as in, sex and/or romance are not the main focus).
Honestly? I don’t really have one. Most of my favorite books are queer books or feminist books- which frequently focus on sex. I think the sexual world is fascinating, even though I’m not really a part of it. Other books I like are all non-fiction. I’m really not interested in fictional stories that much.
Your favorite asexual character/celebrity/person.
Misty Day from American Horror Story: Coven!
Tell us about a time you met another asexual, whether in real life or online.
Back in February, I got to participate in a discussion with 36 other aces at the Midwestern Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Ally College Conference. One of the workshop sessions they have is the identity forum, where people of a certain identity gather together and discuss issues that are relevant to them. They had an asexual identity forum, and of course I HAD to go. I’ve never been in a room with so many asexual people in my entire life. I nearly dropped everything I was holding at the door because I was so flabbergasted. It was super cool how we could all use the language/labels of our community and not be questioned or judged. It was probably the first time in my life where I felt like I FULLY belonged somewhere (most of the time I feel like I belong, but not completely).
After the forum a bunch of us went out to dinner and kept the discussion going. It was really interesting to hear how similar everyone else’s experiences were to my own. I wish I could go back in time and live those moments again. I really just want to be around people who understand me again.
My friend's boyfriend: When my grandfather had dementia, he sexually assaulted all the female nurses. So they gave him all male nurses. It was kinda funny! *laughs*
Me: mmmm no that's definitely not funny.
Boyfriend: Yes it was! Okay, okay, he didn't "assault" the nurses he just pinched their asses and stuff. Like sexual harassment.
Me: Still not funny.
Boyfriend: Okay but it was funny.
Me: Nooo, definitely not.
Jude: Yeah definitely not funny.
Boyfriend: Yes it-
Me and Jude: No.
If you don’t think aces and aros can reclaim queer then I don’t think I really wanna talk to you *shrugs*
Your favorite asexual website.
They’ve always got something interesting to read :)
Your favorite asexual Tumblr site.
I’m a sucker for satire.
If you’re out, talk about the most accepting person you’ve come out to. If you’re not out, talk about what you would hope a coming out experience would be like.
Her name is Katie Grassi! When I was coming out, she instantly accepted it and wanted to learn more. She’s in my Matthew Shepard Scholarship program. We graduated from high school in the same year. Whenever I was going through an asexual related struggle, she cheered me on. She was always proud of me when I came out to new people as ace. It was kind of nice to have my own personal cheerleader in my journey, and I will never forget about her.
I fucking love you, Katie.
What have other people said about your asexuality?
Oh god here we go…
"I feel sorry for you!"
"It’s too bad you can’t experience real intimacy.."
"You just haven’t found the right person yet."
"Sure it’s not…like…repression of some sort?"
"Are you sure it’s not because you were raped?"
"You need to see a therapist."
"You need your hormones checked."
"It’s because you’re depressed."
"If you tried anti-depressants, I’m sure that would clear it up."
"No, you can’t be asexual." (said my therapist)
"Ohhh stop! You know you want me!" (said my dimwitted ex-girlfriend, who never acknowledged the "Stop. No, I really don’t" that always came after her comment.)
"You could change someday!" (I really don’t take kindly to this one. Sexuality is fluid for some, but it’s really not for others. Sometimes people just don’t have the words to describe what they’re feeling, so when they do find the words it APPEARS to be fluid. It’s definitely not fluid for me. I do not experience sexual attraction. I have never experienced sexual attraction, I just didn’t have the language to communicate that till college. I’m sick of people pushing the "fluidity" thing on me. There is NOTHING wrong with fluidity, but A LOT of people are not fluid, and telling them "oh you’ll change" is a big, invalidating insult.)
"If I were your girlfriend, I would’ve dumped you by now for not having sex with me."
"Good luck trying to find someone who’s actually willing to date you."
"But you masturbate!"
"I could have swore I’ve heard you calling girls hot before.." (this one is always said by people who believe everyone has fluid sexuality. Oddly, their logic doesn’t apply here. #allosexism)
"She’s asexual." -said by literally EVERYONE when another person is asking them about my romantic orientation. Because apparently, asexuality is now a romantic orientation- despite the fact that I have explained the difference to literally every person who says this. Nothing wrong with being aromantic of course- they just always seem to imply I’m asexual RIGHT IN FRONT OF girls I find interesting.
People also like to say this when others ask about my identity, but they never mention my romantic orientation. Honestly, I’d rather tell people that I’m gay. I have a stronger connection to my homoromantic identity than my asexual one. I have more history with my gayness. It offends me when people completely disregard a part of my identity I feel so strongly connected to.
So yeah, that’s the list I could immediately recall from memory. No one I know (that lives here in Cedar Falls/Waterloo) understands me. The only one of my friends who has even came close to understanding me is a lithromantic pansexual girl I’m really close to. That’s it, full stop. Not even my best friend gets this shit the slightest bit. I don’t understand what’s so fucking hard about understanding asexuality, or reading a goddamn article when you don’t get it, or not constantly saying microaggressions against me. Asexuality is so simple and people are so…dense. /rant.
What does being asexual mean to you?
It means that I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone- ever. I’m also not terribly fond of sex most days. I really wish I could just never have it for the rest of my life, but that’s not quite possible if I want to get married.
Do you believe there should be asexual pride? What do you imagine it being like?
Yes, because if we had pride we would have visibility- which would lead to more understanding of the asexual community. I think that the asexual community should be considered a part of the LGBTQ community, and therefore be included in their pride festivities.
At this point we don’t seem to have a solidified culture, since the asexual community (as we know it) is so new. I think we should have parties, maybe with spoken word poetry or performances about asexuality. I think it should definitely include cake.
Who’s your favorite Doctor? (Or, do you have a favorite asexual character?)
I’m really not that into Doctor Who. I watch it when my best friend (who I consider to be a queerplatonic partner) has it on in the living room, but I don’t go out of my way to watch it.
However, I do have a favorite asexual character: Misty Day from American Horror Story: Coven. I was fackin’ excited when I heard Ryan Murphy announced she was asexual, because she was already my favorite for that season :)
Have you faced oppression because of your asexuality, whether institutional or societal?
I wouldn’t necessarily call it “oppression,” though I have had some very negative experiences with it. My therapist told me I “couldn’t be asexual,” My friends said some really rude and hurtful things out of ignorance. I have a lot of examples, but it’s a very long story that is best summed up in my Queer Monologue (which will be posted at a later date).